How To Cope With Death from Grief Expert Dianne Gray

End of Life Doula and Grief Coach Dianne Gray joins us on Better Together with Maria Menounos to share tools for those who are grieving, many of which helped Maria learn to cope with death after the loss of her mother, Litsa. However, we learn that Dianne’s expertise not only comes from years of extensive research and coursework but also from her 14-year experience as a caregiver for her son Austin, who suffered from Neurodegenerative Brain Iron Accumulation Disorders (NBIA Disorders) and died in 2005.

After his diagnosis, Dianne’s marriage disintegrated, leaving her a single mother with a healthy toddler daughter and a terminally ill five-year-old son. In the decade that followed she went through a parent’s worst nightmare, watching her son endure excruciating pain for years on end, as month by month he slowly lost the ability to move, eat or speak, all while maintaining his cognitive abilities which means that he basically could think clearly while becoming trapped in a body that died a little bit every day for over a decade.

After trying to save his life by finding a cure for Austin’s disease, Dianne ultimately realized that death was not the enemy, that Austin’s horrific suffering was. In his last days, based on a vision she had, she told Austin to "jump to Jesus" that he had been a “good son” and it was time for him to go to Heaven. Days later, while holding hands with his sister and mother, he died "a peaceful, beautiful death” surrounded by love.

Through their heart-searing, exhausting journey, Dianne accumulated a wealth of knowledge on the subjects of caregiving, death, and grief, and she shares it with the Heal Squad. In the last couple of years, we have all experienced loss in one form or another and Dianne’s tools will surely help you on your healing journey.

1) Allow yourself to sit in the sadness 

After the death of a loved one, the first step towards healing is accepting that you will be a beautiful mess for this season of life. Remember to rest and allow yourself to feel all of the emotions, no matter how painful.

2) Caregivers need rest too

40% of caregivers die of stress-related issues before the person they are caring for passes! Caregivers, you need to give yourselves more rest and grace. You are doing the best you can. 

3) Ask yourself, who are you becoming?

After a death, caregivers often don’t know who they are. Their entire identity was being a caregiver and now, they feel lost. Take some time to really sit and think about who you are, and who you want to become. 

4) Your loved one will never really die

When you love someone, you don’t love their hair or skin or teeth or their physical being, you love their energy. And since love is energy and energy can neither be created nor destroyed, the love you feel will never die and therefore, your late loved one will always be with you. 

5) You can hug those who have passed

At the end of a meditation, Maria hugged her mom and felt it. She couldn’t believe it so she tried to hug her cousin who passed away when she was young. Again, she felt the hug. You still have access to that feeling even if the person is not physically there. It is really because you are feeling it. So if you are missing your loved one more than usual, try hugging them. Chances are, you’ll feel them hugging back. 

6) How to combat a grief attack 

In grief and stress, we forget to breathe and when we do that, we can’t think or emote clearly. This can lead to what is called a grief attack. So if you find yourself in that panicked, hyper-emotional state, take deep breaths. Another trick is to sniff lavender oil. You can carry a small bottle in your bag so that it is accessible all of the time. Lavender is a soothing scent that will calm your nervous system down. 

7) Honor a loved one who has passed

Build a garden, start a scholarship, plant a tree, or do really anything that honors someone who has passed. This allows the mourning to move forward as their energy shifts from grieving to celebrating their loved one’s life. 

8) Cry in the Shower

As silly as it sounds, crying in the shower can be really healing. Being around water helps reorient our brain. Think about it, we all come from a watery womb - water is our safe space, and we cry when we feel safe. 

9) Music Heals

Music is great for releasing emotions as it can get through a part of your brain that nothing else can, and trigger emotions or memories that you didn’t know you had. 

10) Practice Companioning

When comforting a grieving person, try “companioning.” Tell that person that you are there for them in whatever capacity they need. You are not there to give unsolicited advice. You are there to say “I am sorry and I don’t know what to say, but I am here for you and I love you.”  

11) Temper Expectations 

We often have expectations of others when we lose a loved one. We expect them to be there for us and act a certain way according to our standards. So, when they don’t act as you want them to be, resentment builds up. Dianne reminds us that we can’t expect other people to be who we want them to be because their lives are not about us, it is about them. This realization will allow many of us to let go of that anger. 

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Listen to our full interview with Dianne here!