Brian Mahan is a Somatic Experiencing Therapist who works with Maria weekly, helping her through trauma, shame, etc. He himself has struggled with the lifelong impact of developmental trauma and toxic shame, not realizing that was the root cause of so many of his problems. After years of fruitless efforts to change, he discovered the missing links to profound and long lasting healing. He is not an internationally renowned expert on healing trauma and the trauma of shame. His life’s mission is to help millions heal from trauma.
Brian discusses 5 ways to overcome shame and anger
1. Reframe your shame
When thoughts like “I’m broken, stupid, unlovable, etc.” pop into your mind, that is toxic shame. To transmit it into healthy shame, reframe those thoughts to be “I am a loving person and sometimes do unloving things” or “I am a smart person and sometimes make stupid mistakes.” Healthy shame is being able to hold all of who we are – the good & the bad.
2. Overcome fear of setting boundaries
The number one reason we don’t set boundaries is because we don’t want it to affect someone else. The second reason is because we are afraid of how it will be perceived. But if someone is going to get mad at you for setting boundaries that serve you, then maybe it is time to reevaluate that relationship.
3. Create Boundaries
Start by creating boundaries with yourself. Don’t let anyone else or yourself come in between that slotted time for exercise. Setting boundaries with yourself like this will build that muscle and bleed into boundaries with other people.
4. Express your emotions
We are only hurting ourselves when we suppress our anger. Instead of sitting on it, express why you are upset with the other person so they can change that behavior. You will find that people actually respect you when you stand up for yourself. If they continue to breach that boundary, then it may be time to assess that relationship.
5. Journal and release
You have to explore your anger in a safe, non-judgemental environment – and what better place than in a journal that only you can access. Write out all your anger here – no matter how unhealthy or immoral. When you are ready, you can read what you wrote down and assess the themes of what makes you angry.